New World Notes

Miss Ophelia's Metaverse Manners: More Alt Avatar Etiquette Questions: Spying on Your SL Partner & Secret Roleplaying

Exclusive to NWN, Iris Ophelia's ongoing take on etiquette and ethics in virtual spaces

This week I'm wrapping up the alt-related etiquette quandaries (you can find the first lot here if you missed them.) So let's get right to it!

So I have a habit of making alts to learn more about my partner or see how honest they are, like by making friends with them, etc. I told someone about it and they really overreacted and said I was lying to my partners. What do you think about this sort of thing?

To be blunt, I am not even a little bit in favour of this kind of thing. It's unlikely that you're really doing this to "learn more about them", because if you spend time with them normally you should learn the same things. Instead, this comes off as profoundly creepy, stalker-like behaviour. Furthermore, if you are so insecure about your relationship with your partner that you have to set up honey traps to test their honesty, you're probably better off ending the relationship altogether. It's not worth being with someone that you can't trust. If this is something you find yourself doing with every partner you have, you might need to turn that investigative lens inward. These tactics make you look like the dishonest one.

Keep reading for more alt etiquette. Next up: secretly roleplaying as an alt!

Miss Ophelia's Metaverse Manners: Is It Wrong to Secretly Gender Bend? And Other Thorny Questions for Avatar Alts

Exclusive to NWN, Iris Ophelia's ongoing take on etiquette and ethics in virtual spaces

Alternate accounts, or alts, have always been a hot topic in Second Life, but even moreso with the recent Redzone scandal. Linden Lab has even officially made it a violation of its Community Standards to disclose the indentities of someone's alts without their consent. Unfortunately, there are a lot of other moral quandaries caused by alt accounts, so this week and next I'll be diving in to a few of the most common.

What's the best way to deal with someone when you have reason to suspect that they may be an alt of someone you want nothing to do with?

It's true that you don't have to befriend everyone, and you have a right to dodge people that you find potentially threatening or suspicious. But, be delicate about it. Remember that there's a slim chance that this person is entirely unrelated. Don't confront them or have an ALL CAPS IM YELLING MATCH accusing them of being someone else. Just limit your interactions as much as you can, so it will simply appear that you're busy or not that into them.

Keep reading for another big alt dilemma -- this one on gender-bending alts!

Miss Ophelia's Metaverse Manners: Compromising Positions, Proposing Partnership, and other Romantic Dilemmas

Exclusive to NWN, Iris Ophelia's ongoing take on etiquette and ethics in virtual spaces

In time for Valentine's day, this week's Metaverse Manners is dealing with matters of the heart! So let's get right to it...

My partner told me last week about some fetishes he is really into, but I'm really not interested. Do I have to play along or can I refuse?

                -Marquise de Sade

This kind of situation can definitely put a strain on any romantic relationship, and it's unfortunate that he's only revealing his tastes to you now. Ideally, it's best to be open about particularly strong preferences as early as possible, but it's also common for people to be embarrassed and afraid that they'll scare the other person away.

Be as understanding as possible, and don't accuse him of being disgusting or a pervert, that will only drive you apart. You absolutely don't "have to play along", and you definitely have the right to refuse to participate. These aren't the only options, however. Talk about these interests with him and see if you can find an element you would be willing to try. You shouldn't do things that upset you or make you uncomfortable, but if you can find places for compromise, your bond will be a lot stronger for it!

Keep reading for three more passionate problems!

Ophelia's Gaze: Dressing for a Virtual Valentine's Day

Iris Ophelia's ongoing review of virtual world and MMO fashion

There's less than a week left to get ready for Valentine's day, so today and tomorrow I'll be providing some tips to ensure you'll have the perfect digital date. Tomorrow we'll have a special lovers edition of Miss Metaverse Manners (so submit your romance questions while you still can!) but today I'm going to share a few very romantic outfits to take you from evening to night with your dream Valentine!

For my first outfit, I asked SL's blogging blonde bombshell, Gogo of Juicybomb, to give me a hand (in the spirit of Bloggers We Love Week). Gogo has a very classically sexy style, so she was an easy choice for a sexy valentine look. For her date outfit, she's rocking the gorgeously glam (and incredibly detailed) Acira mini-dress by Zaara Kohime of Zaara [SLurl], with the shimmery silver Stella clutch by Valena Glushenko of ORTA [SLurl]. For her post-date look, Gogo's wearing the Soignee lingerie set from Fishy Strawberry [SLurl], one of the best places on the grid for super sexy skivvies. She's also wearing hair from Vive 9, skin from LeLutka, blush from her own brand cheLLe, eyeliner from Tuli, and jewelry from Donna Flora.

If you've got a Sexy Valentine like Gogo on your arm, consider taking her out on a red carpet shopping spree at a glamorous shop like Bijou [SLurl].

But what if you've got another kind of virtual Valentine lined up? Keep reading for more!

What Does Have a Second Life Partner Mean to You?

After listing a Second Life partner in her SL profile for quite some time, Chestnut Rau removed any name from the slot where a partner would be. Why? As she explains:

There has been no change in my relationship, but I no longer need/want Linden Lab to sanction it or feel the need to publicize who is important in my life. If you know me, then you know. If you don't then its not material to you.

As it happens, her real life husband doesn't wear a wedding ring (initially for practical reasons, as a man who worked on tall ships.) Which may explain why Chestnut can maintain and SL partner with her husband's full knowledge:

He is well aware of who I talk to and who I spend my time with in world. He knows who has my cell phone number and who texts me. When I am online I sit in the living room so he is free to see whatever I am doing. I know there are people who would love to reinforce the "SL causes marital discord and divorce" theory but you won't be able to use me as proof.

Her post raises at least two interesting posts: How often in Second Life are people partners (even just casually in-world) without feeling a need to get that relationship listed? And if you maintain that relationship, how do you do it when you also have a real relation offline?

Alone Together with Sherry Turkle: On Second Life, Online Identity, and Whether SL Undermines Post-Modernism

Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other is the new book from Sherry Turkle, an MIT professor whose writing on Internet culture and virtual worlds have been enormously influential on their development and evolution.  (I cite her in my own book on SL.)  Coming to shelves next January (when she'll be a guest on the Colbert Report), much of her book is about Second Life, and the larger lessons she drew from that world:

“I use Second Life as an example of a shift from the 1990s, when people went into MUDs and MOOs and other virtual spaces to ‘cycle through’ into virtual worlds,” Proessor Turkle tells me via email. “Now, because of mobile devices in part, I argue that we live something closer to a continual co-presence, what one of the people I interview who has an active ‘second life’ in Second Life calls multi-lifing. So, I see a shift from cycling through to multi-lifing. I think it's an important one.”

I asked Sherry Turkle about Second Life and post-modernism: in a widely read and debated New World Notes post, sociologist grad student Robert Hooker argued that user activity in SL, which overwhelmingly centers on roleplaying traditional gender and sexual orientation categories, undermines post-modern thought, particularly as expressed by Professor Turkle herself. What did she think of that reasoning?

Naked Paradox: Secrets of Sexy Island, Second Life's Most Popular Sim (With a Mostly Empty Sex Castle)

Every day, a reported 2,500 people visit the clothing optional Second Life beach called Sexy Islands (SLurl teleport), which was last month’s most visited SL sim. And though they’re perfectly free to visit the wild sex castle nearby, most prefer to just stand around, naked and chatting.

That’s two surprising things I learned on a recent visit to Sexy Islands. A third: Once you arrive, you better be ready to start whipping off your clothes.

“We have dress code here,” a stern, statuesque brunette named Sina Vayandar informed me, smiling. “Nude or beach wear. So follow our rules now.” I quickly removed my white suit, and conducted the rest of the interview in boxers and socks.

While a third of Second Life’s most popular sims are rated Adult for having extreme violent or sexual content, Sexy Islands is actually Mature, which permits non-erotic nudity. It falls to Ms. Vayander and other island guards to keep the island’s visitors acting within those bounds:

Miss Ophelia's Metaverse Manners: On Pushy Shoppers, Serious Partners, and Friends Who Can't Wait to Say Hi

Exclusive to NWN, Iris Ophelia's take on etiquette and ethics in virtual spaces 

This week, three readers ask three questions about three kinds of pushiness in the metaverse:

If I bump into someone in a store, do I have to apologize even if they weren't rezzed yet?

The answer to this question scales somewhat, depending on just how crowded the area is. If the sim is nearly packed and everyone is shoehorned into a relatively small (and laggy) space, you should expect to bump into someone, and to be bumped into. Apologizing and excusing yourself in that scenario can take more time and effort than it's really worth, especially since everyone else is in the same cramped boat. If, however, there are only a couple of people around, and there's more room for you to navigate, there's much less of an excuse for bodychecking another avatar. In that case, even if you walk into them before they've rezzed on your screen, or you coast into them because of lag, it's appropriate to apologize. You don't need to say anything dramatic, just a quick "Sorry" will do.

The other side of this question: Should you expect (or demand) an apology if someone walks into you?

Can You Tell Who Made a Hot Male Avatar By How He's Hot?

Harper Beresford has a very interesting Second Life fashion post that's also about the feminist theory of the "male gaze": "That is, when we see a movie, we always see it through a straight man’s eyes. A scene will linger on the beauty of a woman and will do so as if a straight man were looking at her as opposed to another woman, for example." As a kind of counterpoint, she presents this fashion ensemble created by Shea Paule, a gay man, "so presumably it is what he would like to see on other men." So in other words, Harper argues, this avatar reflects the gay male gaze. Bouncing of that point, I'd say this is a unique distinction of 3D virtual worlds: You can learn a lot about a person's real life desire by the way they present their avatar (or avatars they design clothes and skins for.) "I would say that yes," Shea Paule agrees in the comments of Harper's post, "this is something I like to see on other men, but perhaps more [cough] pointedly, something I would like to take off other men." But Shea also argues that a ballsy straight man could wear the look too. Which raises another interesting question: Do you think it's possible to guess the gender and sexual orientation of a virtual fashion designer by the styles they create?

Is Violent Misogyny in Second Life a Tolerated Category?

Honour McMillan has a powerful and provocative post inspired by Scylla Rhiadra's in-world exhibition "Is This Turning You On?" (Direct SLurl teleport here), which presents a photographic display of extremely violent imagery found in SL drawn from the activity of over 400 groups, almost all of it directed against women. To Honour, this exposes a cultural hypocrisy, where this content is somehow tolerated, but would not be, if the very same imagery included racist or anti-religious connotations:

Put a swastika on the wall and there would be demonstrations and demands that the person be banned for life. Make it a naked woman and people just shrug... I think it's time that we recognize that violence (particularly for sexual purposes) against women and men isn't acceptable, period. The lack of religious or political motivation does not make it tolerable.

Read it all here. I'll make two general comments on the controversy: It is possible to support free speech and expression while also advocating social pressure against hateful content. But because human sexuality is a complex, deeply intimate, and intrinsically intense subject, it may be impossible to fully distinguish and separate out what is truly hateful from what is a matter of personal taste and preference (no matter how inexplicable it may be to others.) Thoughts?