Ophelia's Gaze: Three Things I've Learned From My Mom and Dad's Second Life

At left and right, Mother and Father Ophelia

Exclusive to NWN, Iris Ophelia's ongoing showcase of all things stylish in SL

When I joined Second Life in 2006, I didn't expect a lot that's happened to me since then. I didn't expect to still be involved three years later, or become a regular SL fashion columnist, let alone lecture about virtual clothing at a New York design school. 

Most of all, though, I didn't expect my own real world parents to join me in SL.  But that's exactly what happened.

While I'm in my early twenties, my parents are middle aged and in Second Life's key demographic, so it really shouldn't have been that surprising.  The metaverse is what you make of it, and between three distinct personalities, my family's taken three equally different paths. While my parents would prefer to keep their Second Life names private, they did agree to pose for some family photos (in my kitchen), and let me write about their in-world identities.  The funny thing is, I learned a lot about my parents by sharing this virtual space, things I didn't know even after living with them for 20 years. 

Take my mother -- the club-hopping vixen who sometimes dances with herself.

Mom Is Wilder Than I Thought She Was

About two years ago, my dad called me upstairs so I could explain a sexual joke my mother had just heard on a TV show she was watching, because she just didn't get it. That pretty much sums up my perception of Mom, before she got into SL: Magnificently intelligent, but maybe a little bit old fashioned; a small town-born, big family-raised, office managing mom. She didn't use the computer much, except for an occasional puzzle-style adventure game.  Mostly she was upstairs watching TV, reading, gardening, knitting, and other "normal" mom activities.

When I came home from my first year in college for the summer, however, I spent most of my free time in Second Life.  Mom spent a lot of that time peeking over my shoulder, watching me play with what she perceived as big girl Barbies. It didn't take long before she created an avatar of her own.  I tried to skip her past the noob stage of clubs'n'bling, but to my surprise, that was exactly what she wanted to do.  She likes dancing, big gowns, slightly oiled avatar skins, riding horses, hanging with her SL sister, and living in large Scottish castles on the shores of Hawaiian beaches.  Who am I to stop her?

But that's not all.  Mom also has a dozen alts, including a cute Asian girl and a studly male avatar she logs in from her second computer, so she can dance with herself, which I admit makes me a bit sad. I'm pretty sure I've caught her in a couple awkward situations.  Once I glanced at her profile, and saw that she was SL partnered to someone, and not my dad.  She scolded me for looking (at her public profile), because "That's private", though I'm happier knowing she does have someone other than her alt to dance with. I've wandered downstairs to hear a flood of hip hop and rap coming from her speakers. Second Life has shown me a somewhat daring or even surreal side to my Mom.

Dad is a Steampunk Pseudo-Rockstar Science-Fiction Socialite

My dad first resisted joining Second Life at all. He would get snarky with Mom about the guys she was dancing with; she would just tell him to either join, or get off the pot. One night when I was at home, my Dad asked me to make an SL account for him, adding rather dejectedly, "Technology seems to invent new ways for husbands to get in trouble with their wives." He had resisted for so long because, from what he saw Mom and I doing, he hadn't seen anything that appealed to him.  Instead, he played Uru Live, the MMO based on the classic game Myst, only coming into SL when Mom insisted on having a dancing partner.

When Cyan Worlds announced the closing of Uru, my father became more invested in Second Life, even bringing a group of other Myst "refugees" with him. They started developing tribute sims like Eder Gira, and holding weekly karaoke parties (an Uru tradition) in SL, and dad participated actively (and still does.) He also joined Jax Streeter's band, playing a set of drums pimped out with particle effects.  Finally, he was just as entrenched in SL as Mom... much more than me, even.

Real World Families That Stay Together Don't Always Play Together

Second Life is a great tool for connecting people, but the virtual world I operate in is very different than my Mom or my Dad's reality. In fact, we're all relatively spread out, socially. Dad just isn't into digital dancing, no more than I'm into Jax Streeter, or mom is into fashion blogging.

My parents recently bought a full sim together, and cut it across the middle with a river, to indicate whose side is whose. (Mom made Dad hide one of his favorite prefab buildings behind a mountain, because it's a freaky black and red tower, and she didn't want to see it from her side of the island.) In fact, the most contact I've had with them in SL in recent months has been to help them terraform and landscape their island. Before that, it was when my dad wanted me to give stern avatar style advice to one of his female friends.  (I was really scared I would hurt her feelings.)

All in all, though, none of this is a terrible thing. Second Life allows each of us to pursue our very individual, very unique interests, and often, there's just not much cross-over between them. If nothing else, I can enjoy the irony of watching my parents getting attached to their avatar friends -- the same kind they mockingly called "Fake Friends", when it was only me who had them.  And yes, I often shake my head and roll my eyes at what they do (and what they wear) in-world. 

But then, isn't that the reaction most of us have to our parents, no matter who we are? 

Iris Ophelia has been featured in the New York Times and has spoken about SL-based design at the Fashion Institute of Technology in Manhattan.

Comments

[Arcadia Codesmith]

There often is a disconnect when you encounter family and friends in world, because the face we present to the real world is often very different than how we see or wish ourselves to be. Taking that inner sense of ourselves and giving it form and voice is what fuels the virtual world.

But when that face is shown to someone who knows the RL you, sometimes the reaction is confusion or anguish. Or relevation and celebration. Or indifference (which can be the unkindest cut of all).

[Sioban]

Lovely essay.

I've often debated showing SL to my mother, who is in her 80's. I think she'd LOVE the clothes and talking to people. Deep down, though, I have a suspicion that Mom would end up possibly in w-hat or a similar group. She has a wicked sense of humor and loves tossing a wrench into things to see what would happen. I wonder if w-hat has a senior division? LOL

The other members of my family have seen SL, are proud of my charity work in world, but have ZERO interest. I thought my sister would love the clothes, but I can't get her to log in.

[Hackshaven Harford]

Actually, Dad was the one that told me about Second Life. (I blame him for my current career.) His avatar is older than mine, just like real life.

[KD]

It was a strange experience to introduce my Mother to SL but as I live on the other side of the plant we have found it is a great medium to keep our family ties strong. Much more so than by regular emails or even phone calls, SL alows us to participate in a mutual experience - just as we would in RL if I lived in the same city.
It has been a unique platform for keeping our relationship strong.

[swannjie]

I really like your entry. Is there any place I could see your talk on digital fashion at Fashion institute mentioned abouve or read about it? You have such nice fun adventurous parents... super.

[Iggy O]

"Dad is a Steampunk Pseudo-Rockstar Science-Fiction Socialite"

Iris, I died laughing at that. You'd get an "A+" for any memoir-writing assignment I gave, if you used that title!

You are reporting on something that will be common enough in a few years: entire families with avatars in the same world, all of them trying to negotiate all sorts of sensitive personal conflicts.

[Casper Priestman]

More often than not we don't get to experience what you have until later in life. Our view of our parents is skewed by hormones and immaturity while they hold the ship called "home" together and try and keep you respecting their "authorateh" (a' la Eric Cartman).

It's an interesting experience discovering the different facets of our parents that we weren't aware of, and realizing "parents are people too", and getting to know them on that level.

Thoroughly enjoyed the post...thank you :)

[Connie Sec]

Great Post :))

[Doreen Garrigus]

Iris, this is lovely. You have an amazing opportunity to know your parents as people. A lot of us never get that chance.

[Prad Prathivi]

That was a fantastic read - thank you for sharing it, Iris! =)

[Liz Dorland (Chimera Cosmos)]

Iris, I loved this!

My mom is 80 and has been to SL several times with my avatar's help and guidance. Last time I bought her the Eshi Otawara Woodpecker gown--that's the one she picked out. But now she has a new guy that she met online who lives just a couple of hours away, so she's not in-world too much. To the earlier comment -- if your mom comes in, have her IM Annieruth Landar. heheh

I've been trying to get my 26 year old daughter interested (style is a BIG DEAL to her) but she resists. I did get her to create an avatar and she picked up the skills right off, but she has not been back since to my knowledge. She and my 22 yr old WoW-based son think my virtual life (as an educator even) is pretty weird. I'm going to show her this column. Maybe she'll get inspired and jump in.

Thanks for a great read!
Chimera Cosmos

[Moggs Oceanlane]

My RL younger sister joined SL about a week after I did - while we share some land and lots of discussion about our experiences, we tend to lead quite separate Second Lives.

After being residents for a while, we introduced my parents to SL with a game of Greedy Greedy (my family plays this in real life) and my mum went on from there to explore a bit. She logs in every now and then but not frequently. It was really nice to have her take me than an obligatory interest and take the time to learn a bit about and explore the Second Life environment.

Some of her commentary made us laugh a lot (and made my middle sister - who has an SL account but doesn't really login, groan in horror).

I know some people find the idea of their RL family, friends or colleagues in their virtual and private space horrifying. I have all three of these in world, but mostly we all lead very separate lives and tend to mix with the people we have met in-world. I think it's probably the exception, rather than the rule for someone you know to crowd your second life (beyond, perhaps, the period where they are learning to get around and so spend some time asking you questions and for assistance).

Thanks for sharing your story, I enjoyed it.

[Vax Sirnah]

Just found this through the retrospective post. This is pretty cool. My family is similar.

Interesting the common about Uru Live, as my family was very deeply into that as well.

[Alissa]

SL is just what it is, a second life. It's a world unrestricted by RL's obligations and rules. It's not at all surprising that your parents' SL surprised you! Thank you for sharing your experiences, now I'm thinking of starting my own SL account instead of just frequenting dating sites like alt com.