Let’s Talk About SLex: In Survey, Most Second Life Women Have Little Virtual Sex & Mainly in Committed Relationships

Nightflower Reports on the Reality of Virtual Love & Relationships for NWN

If the limited mainstream media coverage of Second Life is to be believed, sex is the axis upon which the virtual world spins. But while there’s no denying that SLex (avatar sex within Second Life) is a culture-shaping force in the metaverse, most Residents realize the media has latched onto a selective and skewed perception of what goes on in-world. To get to the truth, I’ve spent the past few weeks in-world talking both with good friends and total strangers about SLex - how they do it, how it makes them feel, and how it shapes their virtual lives.

This week I’ll focus on women. Armed with a boatload of conversations, and the results of my recent survey on women and SLex, I’ve reached the following conclusion:

While women may sometimes enjoy an outlet for risque adventure and consequence-free exploration, there’s just a whole lot less SLex going on than you might think, and the majority of it takes place within the context of meaningful relationships.

Of course, it would be naive not to acknowledge that the collision of limitless creativity and safe anonymity almost demands some level of experimentation.  I've had my share of SLex experiences myself:

In my survey, 54% of respondents said that one of the primary appeals of SLex is as a playful, creative exercise and roleplay -- and I can certainly relate. For example, during one particularly randy evening, a friend and I had sex with a horse, a prodigiously endowed evil clown, and some sort of horny octopus. Admittedly, the only thing this aroused within me was a strong urge to pee, as my friend and I laughed ourselves silly.

But not all my experimentation has felt as absurd. I remember a short phase quite early in my Second Life when I frequented a place called Hard Alley. My first time there, I stumbled into a very extreme sexual roleplay scene with two men - in a sewer. It was surprising, almost disturbing...but hot as hell! I’ve never had more than one partner at a time in RL, and never had sex in an extreme or dangerous setting, so it became a safe and extremely arousing way to experiment.

As that experience illustrates, these explorations can often be more than just fun and games. My friend and fashion diva Gabby Panacek shares, “SLex gives me the freedom to explore fantasies and desires that I wouldn't have the opportunity to act upon in real life. I get to tap into my creative side, sometimes my dark side, and yes, even my deeply hidden kinky side.” For some, this sexually-charged roleplay becomes a central part of their virtual life, as I shared in my recent post on Gorean women. However, my feel is that -- for me, and for most Residents -- extreme or fantastical escapades are more often a phase than a lifestyle.

So if it’s true, what do Residents find once the phase has played out? Well, my survey suggests that the answer is...very little sex! Only 33% responded that they have SLex one or more times a week, while 16% described it as a monthly occurrence and 51% described it as “seldom or never”.

Why is that? Well, my belief is that after the initial novelty wears off, Residents realize that SLex is usually awkward, clunky, and far from arousing. Acclaimed meatverse artist soror Nishi directed me to a blog post where she described an early SLexual experience, one that everyone I spoke with could relate to: “My [partner] was humping thin air. I was bald. And a hitherto unknown gentleman was trying to insert a pink balloon which he had fixed to the front of his trousers into the back of my knee.” Despite the excellent work of many animators, Second Life has a long way to go in capturing the most profound expression of human intimacy. The unavoidable clunkiness of SLex likely has a lot to do with why nearly 70% of survey respondents reported only reaching real-life orgasm during SLex “sometimes” or “never”.

But despite its inherent awkwardness, most Residents also know that SLex has the potential to be a powerful and deeply moving experience. For many, the ingredient that makes the difference between fizzle and sizzle is committed intimacy. Nearly 70% of women responded that they “rarely” or “never” have SLex outside of a committed in-world relationship. Well-known blogger Tymmerie Thorne puts the appeal of monogamous SLex like this: “Being in a committed relationship means there are things that are just for him, me and us -– no one else. I love that part -– we have something unique to share.” In a world that is a buffet line of SLexual choices, perhaps some assume that monogamous sex would have limited appeal. But Tymmerie disagrees: “If it has changed [over time], it has become richer and even more special to me. But SLex is not a basis for a whole relationship. It is only a part of what makes a good relationship.”

Gabby Panacek echoes those sentiments when describing how the role of SLex has changed over the course of her longtime partnership with Codebastard Redgrave: “Shortly after I first met my partner, SLex was somewhat important. She is a fantastic SLex partner. Witty, intelligent, adventurous and fun. In the beginning, props and poseballs were important; later, the story itself was enough and we'd find ourselves just standing or cuddling in our skybox while we crafted our story.” And as time passed, Gabby shares that SLex eventually fell away completely. “With each step away from traditional SLex, from text messages, to phone conversations, to Skype and eventually real life, each additional point of contact has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. We don't really engage in traditional SLex any longer, and that's okay. It had its place in our relationship, and I'm grateful for the role SLex played in helping us to form our original bond.”

While I’ve certainly been surprised by the way the results of my survey and the stories of Residents have shot down the media stereotype of the promiscuous, oversexed SLer, I also recognize that there are always exceptions. If you’re an SL woman, and I’ve totally missed the boat on your SLexual perspective, let me hear from you in the comments below!

And men...you’re up next time :)

Nightflower is currently dividing her time between writing, raising virtual reptiles, and enjoying the new expansion just released for Lord of the Rings Online. You can read more at her blog, NightLight. Contact her on Twitter @nightflowerSL, and via e-mail at [email protected].

Comments

[Eggy Lippmann]

Ewwww... girls have cooties!

[Scylla Rhiadra]

Right. This is, of course, exactly what I meant when I suggested that NWN should run "an intelligently *positive* piece about the role of women in SL."

/me facepalms

In acquisition talks with Cosmo, are we?

[Hamlet Au]

Scylla, I have an open call for guest posts. If you have a perspective you want to express that hasn't been covered on NWN, how about sending me a pitch?

[Renmiri]

Ask furries too. In my experience they are the most enthusiastic SLxers. Ever heard of a "Tail auction" ?

[Scylla Rhiadra]

Well, actually Hamlet . . . I sent you a pitch for a story, on a somewhat different subject, somewhat over a year ago, I believe. And never heard back from you.

But thank you; I'll give it some thought.

[Nyoko Salome]

;0 scylia, i've always though the lab shouldn't shy from the 'cosmo' direction! ;) what was your idea?

[Adeon Writer]

One relationship in SL was good enough for me. Sticking with with real life from here on out.

[Leondra]

LOL, Hamlet! I cannot get the real take on this.

I am all about "show me 'da data".

So when 1st reference is "Armed with a boatload of conversations, and the results of my recent survey on women and SLex," (ahem) I’ve reached the following conclusion...

and the next reference.."My friend and fashion diva" is...

is this the Daly report for Second Life? or the National Inquirer?

your friend and admirer,
Leo

[Scylla Rhiadra]

@Nyoko

Hmmm, maybe a post on "50 Fabulous Ways to Emote Your Man So He's Yours Forever"?

I suppose I could try pitching THAT to Hamlet . . .

/me chews her pencil end thoughtfully . . .

[Linda Paine]

Time for a new Kinsey-Report? :-)

[paypabak writer]

Very well done. Wonderful that Gabby was so forthcoming; she and Codie are terrific. I have also experienced a change in long-term relationships where the SLex would just turn to tickles and giggles rather than an "earth-shattering climax" ... The CONtext is everything.

[Arcadia Codesmith]

I should think that the issue with reaching orgasm while simultaneously writing collaborative erotic fiction via keyboard would be obvious. That's a pretty extreme exercise in multitasking.

Not to say it can't be done, mind you...

[Kaycee Nightfire]

"Residents realize that SLex is usually awkward, clunky, and far from arousing."

I read this and i can't help but think one thing, 'girls you aint doing something right !!!!!!'

[Extropia DaSilva]

I agree with Kaycee. Just as is the case with RL sex, some residents are poor lovers, some are great.

Is it exaggerrating to claim that virtual sex is as good as the real thing? Yes. But I think it is fair to say if you have an inworld lover with whome you feel you connect with on a deep level, who knows how your mind works and can capture an intimate moment using beautifully written erotic prose that riffs perfectly with what you yourself are imagining and writing..that makes for some terrific foreplay.

[Fogwoman Gray]

I guess my question would really be defining what you are talking about when you say "SLex".
Is hopping on a poseball and watching grownup cartoons on your monitor while laughing your arse off actually "sex"? While it is fun, I would not consider it intimacy.
Is creative erotic prose written in text while watching your avatar on a poseball enacting what you are describing SLex?
Is that same prose while sitting in a chair watching a sunset, or heaven forbid standing around in public also SLex?
How about on or off the poseballs, in private voice with your lover?
What about letting the two little cartoon people go at it on their poseballs while you and your lover sneak off to your RL bedroom to work on some friction?
Just wondering what your definitions were :)

[wally]

Testing.

[wally]

Hi everyone. I am a male. I think I am having a very unique sexual experience in second life because many of the women I have sex with claim they have earth shattering real life orgasms. I only have sex with women who are looking for sex. Also, I like sex and a lot of it. Sex in real life however has lotsof risks from disease to emotional issues (i don't want to hurt anyone nor do I want to get hurt) so sl sex is a lot safer and very enjoyable to me. On several occasions sl sex has been as satifying are the best sex i have ever had in real life. Many of the women I meet in sl enjoy playing the role of the prostitute or stripper although in real life they are just sweet things. This provides a risk free environment for the women where they can enjoy sex but don't have to be emotionally involved. I have found that wmen are very sexual creatures and in SL where they are alone at their computers, they can be themselves. The lack of some of the senses works in favor of creating afantasy in which the brain takes over the body and weengage in a dream like but real sexual experience guided by my words and the visual experience on the screen.

None of this occurs within a committed relationship but over time, those women that are willing to put up with my womanizing become regular sexual partners whose company and comfort I enjoy very much.

Please feel free to comment.