Miss Ophelia's Metaverse Manners: Finding Friends, Mitigating Masters, and Tempting Trolls

Exclusive to NWN, Iris Ophelia's take on etiquette and ethics in virtual spaces

This week we have a mixed bag of questions, but don't forget that the next Metaverse Manners column will have a theme: Shopping! Submit your shopping and customer-service related etiquette issues on my Formspring, or in the comments (and don't forget to identify yourself with a pseudonym!) Now, on with this week's questions...

What is the best way to find and make friends? I tried hanging out at the clubs, but they are usually cliquish and boring. I explore a bit here and there, but usually there are not many people at places I have visited.

Oddly enough, most of the social activity between SLers seems to happen outside of SL, especially in terms of meeting new people and groups. For example, Plurk is a major social and networking hotspot for residents (to the point that they even let you pick "Second Life" as your location). I've met more likeminded SLers through Plurk than anywhere else. Another helpful place to look are photosharing sites like Flickr and Koinup. Flickr in particular is full of Second Life based groups for just about every interest, so pick a few that you like and start communicating! While it may seem counter intuitive to look outside for people to socialize with inside, a lot of the relationships that start on these external services turn into in-world friendship offers, parties, and eventually a clique of your own-- all you have to do is put yourself out there.

Keep reading for the answers to more social conundrums!

How should you tell a roleplayer that you are not one of them when they approach you in a normal region without making it seem so rude? I tried to tell them once and they even shouted at me and started shooting me...

I've addressed a similar question before, but this scenario is much more specific. first of all, be sure that you aren't in a roleplay region. If you've stumble out into an area with roleplay rules in place, it's your responsibility to read those rules and decide if you want to be there or not. However, in a non-roleplay region, you shouldn't really have to tell them anything. If they're pursuing you in that way, they're definitely in the wrong. Tell them simply that you're not in-character (IC is roleplay shorthand for in-character, and OC or OOC means out-of-character), and suggest that if they are, they ignore you.

If they continue to harass you, you should treat them as you would treat any other griefer, reporting and muting them. Additionally, if you're in a shop you should report them to the store owner, in case this person is habitually harassing their customers.

My friend's SL partner is interested in some things that I find inappropriate and uncomfortable. It's nothing against the rules, but he definitely trolls for the attention. Being around him makes me really uncomfortable, but am I overreacting?

            -Trolled

It's never easy when you don't like your friend's partner. The reason trolling works is because it preys on common reactions that people have. You're not overreacting, you're reacting in a completely natural way. If your friend doesn't mind this behaviour, then it's not your place to try to change their partner (or their view of him). Instead, try to keep your contact with the troll to a minumum. If you feel like you're withdrawing from your friend too much in the process, explain to them the effect that his behaviour has on you, and that you are just trying to proactively limit potential conflicts. Hopefully, they'll understand and support your attempt to keep things drama-free.

Do you have your own virtual world etiquette quandary? Email me at ophelia.iris [at] gmail [dot] com, or submit anonymously to the Metaverse Manners Formspring.  Be sure to include a pseudonym (i.e. "WTF from the Welcome Area") so you know when I'm addressing your query!

Iris Ophelia (Janine Hawkins IRL) has been featured in the New York Times and has spoken about SL-based design at the Fashion Institute of Technology in Manhattan and with pop culture/fashion maven Johanna Blakley.

Comments

[Fogwoman Gray]

I would add to the person seeking to socialize in SL - find something you are really interested in and look for inworld groups and areas that specialize in whatever it is.
Love to sail - lots of groups and sailing sims, love to shop - tons of groups devoted to all sorts of shopping....etc
Some places even have welcome and orientation areas for newcomers, so if you have an interest in something look around! Newcomers areas are great spots to find help locating areas that are of interest to you.

[Arcadia Codesmith]

Speaking as an occasionally deeply IC roleplayer, I've said it before and I'll say it again; RP is not a license to be rude.

This applies especially if you're playing a character who is amoral, evil, antagonistic, chaotic, domineering, misanthropic, or brutish. If somebody signals or states that they don't want to interact with you on that basis at that time, stop. This applies even if it's another roleplayer in a roleplaying sim/world. 'No' still means 'no'.

Roleplay is first and foremost PLAY. If all parties involved aren't having fun, you're doing it wrong.

Coming from an MMO background, I can't tell you how many people have tried to excuse bad behavior by saying, "my character is evil". No, your character is an excuse. You're a jerk.

[DMom2K Darwin]

Fogwoman is right. If you have a RL interest odds are that it is also in SL as well so try the search to see what comes up.

Isle of Wyrms is a nice place to meet like-minded, very friendly dragonfolk and they have some great events. Try some of the Relay for Life events as they come up - not only is it for a good cause but you will meet very nice folk participating. Giant Snail races (tons of fun with some incredibly fun and crazy folk who will make you welcome right away and even train you). Virtual Ability is also a great place that has all kinds of events and a nice orientation area and they are very responsive and helpful to newcomers. You like puzzles, then try Numbskulla, Crux Isle or Mad Pea there are usually folk round the clock doing things at those places. Volunteer to help out during the next Burn in October, great friends can be made doing Greeter or Ranger duties together and the Department of Mutant Vehicles (DMV) is always looking for new builders to make wonderful art cars. Take classes on what interests you, there are a multitude of places listed in search that offer free classes where you can learn different skills and meet new people.

Basically SL is what YOU make of it. If you come in expecting to be entertained, I think you set yourself up for disappointment. Go with your interests and you may find yourself amongst some very good friends and having an absolutely wonderful time.

[Deoridhe Quandry]

I found a lot of friends through chatty groups for stores I was in. It's interesting, because I'm a huge fan of chatty store groups, but every few weeks there's someone who complains about spam.

I also found friends through discussion groups and roleplaying groups.

[Lette Ponnier]

Although I've met a couple of people through Plurk, they're nowhere near the majority -- either of friends I have inworld or of friends I have in Plurk. It doesn't hurt to check it out, but I don't believe it's any more ideal of a meeting place than any within SL. Maybe you'll click with folks and maybe you won't... and you either need friends there already or need to know how to find and jump into others' conversations even to get started.

In my experience, making friends inworld is about consistency and being someplace where people talk to one another. People in clubs that seem cliquey at first may only need to see you a few times before they realize you hope to stick around and become warmer (though if there are more "HOO" gestures than conversation, there might not be too much room for it). I've made friends while going to discussion groups. 7Seas fishing contests are nice and chatty. If you're in any groups with active group chats, don't be afraid to join in. For instance, I've made friends while doing grid-wide hunts, but never during the actual hunting -- always from helping others and asking for help in the group chats.

Basically, you can make friends inworld anyplace where people are actually talking to one another and where you feel you connect enough to join in. That might be why Plurk works for some people -- because it's all about conversation -- but there are options inworld as well.

[Jeroentje Jansma]

Hi everybody,

my experience with meeting new people inworld is as follows,

I came to SL because I'm a techie, wondering how this 3D world worked..

Then I discovered that almost everything possible in RL is also available in SL. I like skydiving, I did it way back in the army, so I went looking for it in SL... Bingo!
Great community of SL (some of them also RL) skydivers. Friendly, helpfull..

Then I discovered fishing in SL, and again, I met many AV's (RL people from all over the world!), sharing LM's of fishing spots, etc..

Then... a though one.. I like windsurfing and sailing in RL. I discovered (wow, I like the "exploring" in SL) sailing in SL. It sounded difficult, and also expensive.. Do I realy have to by a yacht etc.. Nope.. many free sailboats, ranging from small to big, to start and experience the sailing in SL. How did I find out? By dropping by at a yacht club, where the AV's where realy helpfull and friendly to guide me in my first "steps" in sailing in SL.

Best thing of all, I met my RL partner in SL. She's from the other side of the globe, and now we are living together in RL for more then 3 years!

How did we met? Well, I discovered the skydiving, and was roaming the skydiving places in SL. She likes the (RL) windtunnel skydiving and was also roaming the skydive spots in SL. We bumped into eachother, got to talk (about skydiving ofcourse) and before we knew, we where on skype in RL to continue the conversation..

To me that is the great thing about SL. I meet people from all over the world, and (as an example) I'm able to particepate in a sailing contest with a very good sailing friend from Switzerland..

English is not my native tongue, so sorry for the mistakes ;)