Miss Ophelia's Metaverse Manners: Dealing with the Amazing Disappearing (and Reappearing) Virtual Friend

Iris Ophelia's ongoing take on etiquette & ethics in virtual spaces

We all know someone in Second Life or another online world who one day just stopped logging in, and all but vanished -- maybe they're a casual avatar acquaintance, but maybe they were your partner in metaverse crime. There are plenty of etiquette issues surrounding this virtual vanishing act, and that's exactly what I'll be focusing on today.

My BFF dropped out of SL for more than a year without warning me at all. Now she's back and acting like she never left, but I've moved on. I don't feel the click we used to have together anymore, should I stop being her friend?

It sounds like you're still a little sore at your friend for leaving in the first place, and it's likely made worse by the fact that she's acting so nonchalant about it now. Find a pleasant, low-traffic location to have a conversation about why she left and why she came back. Having the conversation somewhere like this that will relax both of you, it's less likely to descend into an IM screaming contest.

Remember that RL should almost always take precedence over SL, so she may have had some very serious reasons for her hiatus. No, she didn't handle it as well as she could have, but be open and hear her out. Her disappearance probably worried you, so share how you felt then and how you feel now. Hopefully the relationship can be salvaged, but it's perfectly understandable if you still feel that you've grown apart -- a year is a long time in Second Life's fast-moving social environment. Even if she's not your best friend anymore, try to end it on a high note.

Keep reading to find out how to politely step back from SL, and how to reconnect with a disappearing friend!

I have a friend who never signs on anymore. I know some of his RL info but would it be rude to find him on Facebook and see if he's ok?

                    - A Stalker?

This somewhat depends on how close you two are. Normally it's a bad idea to share RL details online, but most of us do it with out closest friends. In that case, give your friend a week or two (depending on how active they usually are) and ask friends you have in common if they've heard anything before you start creeping their other profiles online. Don't flood them with messages across their Facebook, email, Youtube, etc. either: Pick the service that looks the most current, and send one message. If they're going through a tough time, they definitely don't need to be inundated with messages.

If it's been awhile and you're worried about your friend's well-being, try searching online with the details you have in case there's any news available that way. Because of the nature of the relationship between SL and RL, sometimes people do just plain vanish. It feels awful, but it's an element of online relationships that we all have to live with.

Second Life is really getting under my skin right now and I really need a break. I told my partner and she thinks I should tell everyone on my friend list, but I think that's stupid. Who's right?

                    -Ready to Escape

I have some people on my friends list that I haven't talked to in years, but maybe you're more diligent in pruning yours. You should tell the people that you're closest to, as well as those that you're most active with (they're the ones who will notice your absence first.) Leave a note in your profile about the break you're taking, since that will be the one of the first places that someone who's concerned will look. Finally, if you're a business owner, make sure that customers with problems won't be left hanging: Close up shop temporarily, get a friend to act as a CSR, or be ready to check in on things yourself periodically, and make sure that you explain whichever option you've chosen in your profile.

Submit your virtual etiquette dilemmas to ophelia.iris [at] gmail [dot] com, or submit anonymously to the Metaverse Manners Formspring.  Be sure to include a pseudonym (i.e. "WTF from the Welcome Area") so you know when I'm addressing your query!

Iris Ophelia (Janine Hawkins IRL) has been featured in the New York Times and has spoken about SL-based design at the Fashion Institute of Technology in Manhattan and with pop culture/fashion maven Johanna Blakley.

 

Comments

[Stone Semyorka]

This happened to me twice in SL four years ago and I grieved for some time. In one instance, I built a small memorial garden in-world and posted a eulogy there, and that helped some. In the end, time healed the wounds.

[Renee Galicia]

Sorry, off topic here. Where can I find those Sailor Moon outfit in the pic?

[Rawst Berry]

I had a friend tell me she was going to commit suicide, then never logged in again for months. I felt so sick about it knowing I was the last person she spoke to and I couldn't help her. Then she popped in one day and acted like nothing had happened... We're not friends any more and if she goes missing again I wouldn't care. ~.~

[Iris Ophelia]

@Renee it's by Utilizator! It's up in the marketplace as well. I used photoshop to recolour it though. :)