Miss Ophelia's Metaverse Manners: How Should You Share a Virtual World With Adults Who Roleplay as Children?

Iris Ophelia's ongoing take on etiquette & ethics in virtual spaces

Child avatars and SL families are issues that never fail to divide the Second Life community sharply. Some people love them, some hate them, some accept them but don't want to be anywhere near them. No matter what your stance, it's undeniable that there's a whole world of ethical issues to consider.

I found SL families by accident and now I want to switch to being a child avatar all the time, but my friends don't think I'm serious about this. What is the best way to "come out of the closet" to them?

                    - Anonymous

People often find what they need emotionally in real life after spending time in Second Life, andin the metaverse we're often less encumbered by the things that keep us from meeting these needs in RL. So if this is something you want to explore, you should. While a few bad apples have given many people a sour opinion of child avatars, most are really just people who just want to enjoy the innocent nostalgia of childhood.

Start wearing your new avatar more often so your friends will get used to it. You're still the same friend you always were, even if your avatar changes, and any friend worth keeping should come to realize that eventually.

Keep reading for three more questions that aren't just child's play!

My SL kid is getting too invested in our family, I feel like we can't have a serious conversation and that she's expecting me to drop everything in my real life to read her stories and take her places. I'm not sure how to tell her to back off a little without ruining the family.

                    - Mommy Dearest

Oddly, if you're having a hard time getting her "out of character", you may want to have a sit down talk with her and any other parent figures in your family. Together, explain to her that you have other responsibilities that are important outside of the virtual household, and that you need to be able to communicate with her one-on-one sometimes as a friend more than as a daughter. If she's significantly more committed to the family act than you are, she might just be a bad fit for your household. A split might be painful, but there's no reason she can't still drop by as a favorite cousin!

I hate kid avatars that do that baby talk, how can I make them stop?

                    - Anonymous

Easy. Mute them. It's their right to talk however they like, and your right to mute them if it bothers you. Don't get me wrong, I loathe the baby talk too, but I'm sure there's someone out there who hates my overly verbose rambling just as much. Thankfully Second Life gives us the tools to silence people that annoy us without infringing on their rights either.

When I go out as my young self, sometimes I'm kicked out of shops and harassed. What should I do when these things happen?

                    - Pint-Size Pariah

It's unfortunate but child avatars are often persecuted because of misunderstandings, misconceptions, and a handful of miscreants. First of all, make sure that whenever you go to a "Mature" location you have an adult avatar to wear, and avoid "Adult" locations altogether. Most of the stigma and discomfort around child avatars has to do with sexually-motivated age-play, so the more you can separate yourself from that preconception, the less static you'll get from others.

As always, mute and file abuse reports against people who are harassing you in world. It's a land owner's right to eject you if they want, however. Don't get in an argument with them in IMs or send your friends or family in to defend you. It's unlikely that you'll be able to change their mind, and you might get yourself in trouble in the process, and that's definitely not worth it. There are lots of kid-friendly SL businesses that would be happy to accept your L$ if they won't!

Submit your virtual etiquette dilemmas to ophelia.iris [at] gmail [dot] com, or submit anonymously to the Metaverse Manners Formspring.  Be sure to include a pseudonym (i.e. "WTF from the Welcome Area") so you know when I'm addressing your query!

Iris Ophelia (Janine Hawkins IRL) has been featured in the New York Times and has spoken about SL-based design at the Fashion Institute of Technology in Manhattan and with pop culture/fashion maven Johanna Blakley.

Comments

[Saffia Widdershins]

In response to your first answer, Iris, I would think it depends to some extent on the activities that your correspondent shares with their current friends. If they mostly go clubbing together or even - more broadly - do activities that could be classified as grown up (rather than adult), they might find it disconcerting to have a child member of the group.

If this is the case, I'd suggest making an alt for child centred activities. There's no need to make this a secret - you could list that alt in your picks (and list the grown up avatar in the child's picks). Then you can discuss whether your grown up friends want to friend the child avatar - and explain to them that this might be the easiest way of reaching you sometimes.

And once it's all set up, you can go and explore family play, or go to summer camp, or go exploring with the adventurous Goonies or the urchins in steampunk New Babbage ... there's some fantastic stuff for kids out there!

[Ignatius Onomatopoeia]

When I did a Road Trip post about Old Willowdale, one of my interviewees was a child avatar. I was disturbed by the idea until we talked about why she RPed that way.

In response to the first Q, I'd say "tell them why you are trying this."

In my interviewee's case, we had a good conversation about the appeal of RPing a child in the utterly lost and (at least in Old Willowdale) wholesome America of the 1950s.

I can't say that is my cup of tea; I'm too much a child of the 70s to return to something that I cannot believe ever existed. But she liked the magic of childhood in a warm, loving family. There was no infantile sexuality involved, thank God.

Talking to this SLer changed my perspective. We all have some good memory we'd return to: I'd give a lot to have one day, with allowance in my pocket, in Bob's Hobby Shop and looking at the lines of Monogram airplane models, waiting for takeoff :)

[Iris Ophelia]

@Saffia That's an EXCELLENT point too!

@Ignatius I think that's something a lot of people who hate the idea of child avatars don't realize. There are also the people who never got to have a "real" childhood because of unfortunate life circumstances, and Second Life gives them a way to reclaim it.

[Arcadia Codesmith]

While I support the right of anybody to pursue their Second Childhood as they wish, I can tell you that it's nowhere to be found in dance clubs, romantic ballrooms or lingerie stores.

I can further attest that nobody is charmed by diapers that announce to everybody in the vicinity that they are in need of changing.

[Nat Merit]

Thank you for writing such a balanced, well considered and non-sensationalist piece on playing a kid in Second Life.

I roleplay as a member of the SL Goonies having adventures on the island of Escapades, and as a Dickensian street urchin on the streets of New Babbage, and I can't imagine a more fun way to enjoy my time in Second Life.

I wrote about why I play a kid and why my friends say they play as kids if anyone's interested in finding out more having read this article: http://natmerit.blogspot.com/2010/06/first-things-first.html

If any curious people want to come try out being a kid, we're a fun, friendly and welcoming bunch. I'd recommend the SLC Adventure Playground on Whippersnapper as a good starting point.

Thanks again for such a respectful article :)

[Arwyn Quandry]

I'm a part time kid and, interestingly enough, I've never had issues with people discriminating against me for being a child avatar. Even my friends who do adult RP don't mind that I am a kid because they know I play it correctly and I'm not in anyone's face.

Unfortunately, the family community isn't always as accepting as it tries to seem - I've had people in family areas yell at me for being a shapeshifter and switching between being a child and an adult. Someone in my own SL family won't talk to me or let her kids near me because I don't use separate avatars for my forms and she thinks I'm "disgusting" because of that.

SL talks about how you can be anything you want, and while that is true, there are an awful lot of narrow-minded asses in this world who can't accept someone outside of their narrow box of how things can be.

[MIstletoe]

I agree with Saffia's suggestion to have an alt that's a child avatar, to separate from your "main" avatar. I have a child alt who's Mistletoe's niece, and she goes exploring and adventuring and has just recently moved in at Escapades Island where she's surrounded other adventurous 'tweens.

I don't understand just what it is that freaks some people out about child avatars; to me it's just as plausible to want to be a child as it is to want to be an elf, a dragon, a vampire, a furry, etc., etc. I think however that the bad "baby talk" mentioned by a poster may be part of the cause for annoyance. The so-called pageant-kid look may be another. I wrote something ages ago on baby talk and child avs:

http://mistletoeethaniel.wordpress.com/2009/10/04/talk-like-a-child-not-like-an-idiot/

Thanks also, Iris, for talking about the bullying. However I disagree that an adult av is necessary for "Mature" sims. Often sims with mixed age avatars will go with a "Mature" rating just so that adult avatars can do adult things in their homes and so forth; and also as a way of covering their own asses in case a person with a young av stumbles onto a couple in their home enjoying a sex bed.

[Ossian]

People who use child avatars shouldn't feel the need to explain *why* they do... any more than the rest of us need to explain why we use the avatars we do.

Having any avatar at all is a strange thing. Second Life is a strange thing. If someone wants to be a child, a dragon, a furry, or a human, it's not as though one of those choices is normal and the others are odd. They are all equally odd.

[Vecky Burdam]

I just cannot get the image out of my head when I once ran into an SL 'adoption agency'.
Child-avs hugging the legs of huge male avs, white hair, dressed all in black and looking like 50+ ... suggestive chat about 'play with me, do you want to be my daddy' and above in the sky rental-skyboxes with sex-beds to pay per hour (!).
When ever I see a child-av in a shop I see this adoption agency in my mind.

[Foneco Zuzu]

Just behave as on Rl.
There we dont see children on adult restriced zones.
Same as on Sl, while being a child avatar just go to Pg sims.

[MIstletoe]

Fair enough that that experience might give you pause, Vecky. But I can't help asking: if you saw a RL documentary on the news about child sex trafficking, and learned that some children in this world are forced by captors to turn tricks, would that suddenly cause you to be grossed out by all RL children?

[Vecky Burdam]

lol@Misteltoe,
don't confuse RL with SL. In SL these child avs are not RL children but RL adults playing SL children. And it is one thing to earn your money in SL as an escort and another as role-playing a child-av and having 'consensual' sex with RL pedophiles.
As an adult you can never return to the innocence of a child. Role-playing a child for whatever reason always carries an adults life-experience and his/her awareness of his/her sexuality. When we see a child-av in SL we always have to be aware of the sexuality of the RL person pretending to be that child. Considering him as an asexual being is dangerous, considering him as a sexual being is equally dangerous. Therefor child-avs in SL are per se an impossibility as they always carry a notion of sexuality through their users behind the AV which RL children don't (except for pedophiles).
Back then I had long discussions with my friends though whether it is better to give pedophiles the possibility to live their psychiatric disorder through consensual sex with someone pretending to be a child in SL and therefore 'keeping them off RL streets'. But that would set the child-impostor onto the same level as someone providing 'child-porn' to pedophiles by paparazzi photos taken of RL children who were not harmed/ without their knowledge.
Posting a photo of a naked RL child on the internet is irresponsible today (not taking it, but posting it). And role-playing a child in SL is similar irresponsible. Because one has to be VERY conscious about the possible abuse of this 'image' one gives to others. Which is almost a contradiction again as one wants to give away responsibility by pretending to be a child and at the same time it doubles ones responsibilities.

[MIstletoe]

I just want to see if I understand clearly what you're saying. You're saying that because RL children are unaware of sexuality, and that the RL adults who have child avatars ARE aware of sexuality, then it's impossible/irresponsible to RP as a child because we, the people behind the keyboard, are aware of sexuality? Am I getting that right so far?

I also think I hear you saying that people want to RP as children because they want to "give away responsibility", by which I think you mean just not have any responsibility at all?

You also state, right off the bat, that you know the difference between SL and RL. And that's good. Because I want you to bear that in mind as I try to explain the difference between not having responsibilities, and *pretending* not to have responsibilities. I dare say that anyone who has ever RPed as ANYONE in SL, but especially a child, knows all to well about RL responsibilities. This is why so many of us make clear in our profiles that we really are adults in RL, for those (unlike yourself) who can't separate RL from SL. That's why we hang out with one another, to gain strength in numbers, and to offer moral support when the inevitable bullying/griefing attack occurs.

But there comes a very fine line between "be aware of your responsibility" and "you shouldn't have worn that dress."

[Marianne McCann]

Some of my take on it all...

#1 
Nothing beats communicating with your friends to explain why you opted to try child avatar RP. Be prepared for a lot of uncomfortable questions, but answer them honestly and openly.


#2 
First: when you start your family, set the ground rules. Know what is expected of everyone, and what is desired by everyone. Set your limits and boundaries.

One thing I recommend to new SL families is this: have a spot on the property that is specifically for OOC discussion. Take any negotiations and such there, and know that that spot is for those discussions. Use it every once in a while, too, for the non-heavy OOC stuff, too :-)

#3
 Who does like baby talk, anyway? I find it's also one of the things most often complained about by kid avvies themselves (though "talking diapers" and noise-emitting binkies are also high on the list. The advice here is correct. Mute. Though I would also suggest -- in times when you have to deal with a baby talker (say, if they're a customer of you and need help), tell them that they will need to drop the ikklespeak.

#4. Ya. Best bet is this: if they don't want you there, then chances are you don't want to be there either. There's a lot of places that are best avoided by kid avvies anyway.

If, by chance, it is a non-adult location and you feel their actions were in error, by all means try talking to them and educate. let them know what you are and are not about, and see if their feelings can change and they can let you back in. But if not -- cut your losses and move on.

And in those instances where someone is harassing, etc. Ya, AR 'em. It's what its there for.

[Khannea Suntzu]

There is a simple solution that must at some point be implemented - a more formal unionization.

I think a website and organized entity, linked to SL groups, defending the rights of these participants in SL and safeguarding against the so overly quoted and irrational dread inspiring pedosexual predation issue.

Protecting the vulnerable is good. Dealing with predatory criminals is good, getting all hissy over it is really bad.

[Filia]

What is with Second Life and the child avatar phobia?

It's pretty sad that these avatars get discriminated the most (1st to furries) and are treated as a nuisance when child avatars are widely accepted on other platforms without the hypocrisy shown on Second Life.

Do some adults over-due it with the generic, bland baby talk? Yes. Is it someone's right to tell other people how to dress their avatar? No, and that's were most land-owners get it wrong(as they do 90% of their personalized nit-picking).

I dress my avatar anyway I want, and could care less about the land-owner or a bunch of random second life users telling me what to do. They are not my superior, believe it or not, nor did I sign up for Second Life to please a bunch of silly pixel-toting control freaks other than following the guidelines listed in LL TOS(and trust me, I DON'T have a problem setting people straight on how they treat "me"(LOL) because of my avatar either, I don't care how much land some guy or chick owns).

The coverage done by CNN was to expose real and actual predatory criminals that were using Second-Life as a platform for their crimes by breaking real-life laws(uploading rl pics of nasty stuff), but comparing average people to this same concept is highly ridiculous, harassing, and morally wrong.

Every-time the subject of a child avatar comes up in Second-Life it's almost 90% associated with the said topic above. Why? We even have people on the Second-Life forum who have stated not to go into this topic simply because of the fear/harassment they've probably received in-world from all the misconceptions of child avatars in Second Life.

It's way too easy how child-avatars are used an excuse by others to troll those who aren't comfortable in dressing their avies as a child (I find this more apparent in the westernized side of Second-Life users) as some 50 year old basement dweller, but it's okay for furries and dragons to roam this sandbox world? Ha!

@Quandry
Any so called "friend" of mine who treats me like garbage because I have a child avatar would find themselves muted and booted off my buddy-list pretty quickly.

[Generic Pharmacy]

People who use child avatars shouldn't feel the need to explain *why* they do... any more than the rest of us need to explain why we use the avatars we do.