Blogger Canary Beck Answers the Age Old Question: How to Approach Women in SL Without Being a Creep

Janine "Iris Ophelia" Hawkins' ongoing review of gaming and virtual world style

Recently Second Life blogger Canary beck posted this gem, titled "How to Approach Women in Second Life," and to be perfectly honest I'm jealous that I (or should I say Miss Metaverse Manners) didn't come up with it first. It details all the things someone can do wrong when they approach a woman for a conversation in SL, as well as some of the things they can do right.

The biggest faux-pas? Sending her an IM while you're halfway across the sim and 400 feet in the air. Surprise surprise, women generally don't like feeling like someone is watching us, especially when we can't see that person ourselves. Most of us have been socialized by every other episode of Law & Order SVU (among other things) to be really uncomfortable in that sort of situation, and that instinct doesn't necessarily vanish the instant we log in to the digital world.

There are already more "Don'ts" than "Dos" on canary's list, but I'd like to add just one more...

Most of the time when I've been approached in SL, it's been by a dude quoting my own profile at me, using bits of information from it like he wants a gold star for having read it. This also tends to lead to awkward conversations where this random person will hone in on one detail about you and never let it go, because they don't know anything else about you and have spent their conversational energy trying to act like they do instead of actually finding out something new and more useful. This is one of the reasons I eventually stripped my Second life profile down to its barest bones, I was just so sick of getting the same IMs about it, having the same conversations over and over.

The best piece of advice? Just relax and be honest. If you just want to meet someone, admit it. Don't dance around it with cheesy lines and thin excuses. It won't always work out, but thankfully Second Life is the lowest risk environment possible to try and fail at just about anything, from dating to skydiving. 

Be sure to read Canary's full post over on her blog, whether you're looking for the advice yourself or just looking for a little affirmation about creepy encounters you've had in the past.

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Janine Hawkins (@bleatingheart on Twitter, Iris Ophelia in Second Life) has been writing about virtual worlds and video games for nearly a decade, and has had her work featured on Paste, Kotaku, Jezebel and The Mary Sue.

Comments

[Yesplease]

"How to approach a self absorbed spaz with a vagina pedestal"

[Ugh]

Step n+1: give her money.

[Merc]

I can assure you, men avatars in SL have also the very same creepy approaches by women avatars, no difference. For example, as the reverse of the blogger's statement, me, as a male avatar, the unsolicited IMs I receive typically come from females. And trust me, with the same type of eyebrow-raising communication. As the blogger writes about how men don't believe that you don't feel lonely when sitting on the beach alone, women avatars, just like that, don't believe that a man avatar doesn't want to be seduced every time they are addressed.

So, a "How to approach men in SL?" kind of lesson can be also relevant, I feel it a bit discriminative that only men are lectured about the Dos and Don'ts of approaching.

[Iggy]

I don't know if Canary addresses this. What to do when your RL identity is plainly stated because your avatar is used for professional purposes, and the come-on happens outside of SL?

That happened to me, and I'm sure it has to other men and women. It's a lot creepier than being perv-cammed and IMed.

[Yesplease]

"So, a "How to approach men in SL?" kind of lesson can be also relevant, I feel it a bit discriminative that only men are lectured about the Dos and Don'ts of approaching."

That sounds like a challenge to me Iris! Maybe you can suppress your loathing of 50% of the human race long enough to write some kind of empathetic article from the male perspective on how women are just as capable of being creepy? Oh wait sorry I'm forgetting how men are almost all automatons and women are angels.

[Already gone]

Well just because we asked and wanted equal rights does not mean that same we should lose deep seated positive gender roles.

Nothing wrong with opening a door for a lady.

[Deoridhe Quandry]

I have a couple of examples of men being approached in disturbing or uncomfortable manners in my How NOT to... series, but one of the two the man approaching assumed the person he was approaching was female. Personally, I have no doubt it happens. Since it seems like such an unrecognized epidemic, I encourage the posters above to write about it - either in Beck's more academic style or my own fisking.

[Color me confused]

@ Already gone

Your post makes no sense. What does "opening a door for a lady" have to do with getting hit on in creepy ways?

Creeptastic come-ons and fake compliments intended only with the goal of getting hot pixelsex aren't part of good manners or "positive gender roles". EVER.

Opening the door for someone who has their hands full - regardless of apparent gender! - IS.

[Canary Beck]

@ Merc - I have no doubt women approach men in similar ways! I am writing about a specific topic from one person's perspective. It's not discriminatory to write specifically, or from a perspective, it's just a scope judgement, nothing more. As Deoridhe suggests, you are free to add to the conversation by writing about how men get approached from *your* perspective on our own blog. I'm sure many people - me included - would want to read all about it!

[Yesplease]

@Canary Rock
In fairness people are saying it on NWN notes that has taken quite a vile view towards the male gender of late. It probably has more to do with this blog than your own. The fact you are responding makes you above their misandry.

"Your post makes no sense. What does "opening a door for a lady" have to do with getting hit on in creepy ways?

Creeptastic come-ons and fake compliments intended only with the goal of getting hot pixelsex aren't part of good manners or "positive gender roles". EVER"

Let me tell you as someone who's explored plenty of SL that women are just as guilty of coming on for pixelated sex, if anything they can be more manipulative. Where a guy will just be direct and simple, women often weave an emotional assault course to get the guy pleasing her every whim. The fact very fact of male bashing being so brazen is a sign of female privilege. Men are generally handed the responsibility of initiation, and then the woman has all the power to take it or leave it, from many suitors. There are numerous feminist articles about shaming a man for simply entering her vicinity and saying hello. Women think they are entitled to male attention, and to treat it however they want without consequence.

Opening the door for someone who has their hands full - regardless of apparent gender! - IS."

Regardless of apparent gender! is good gender roles? The absence of gender roles is a complete lack of any roles just two humans interacting. You could take your own advice. "Your post makes no sense".

[Canary Beck]

@Yesplease
Hi Yes, I'm not familiar with misandry on this site, which is not to say it doesn't happen, but I am not aware of it.

Further, I didn't write the quote you are attributing to me, that was @Color me confused

[Ajax Manatiso]

I had no idea this had become rocket science. You go to a dance place, ask a single person if they'd like to dance, do some chit-chat in IM - How you doing, where you from, how's the weather -- eventually you will know if it's someone you want to hang out with. I agree that women can be just as bad as guys. Often when I get to my ballroom before my parter has logged on I get IMs from ladies like "You want to be my boyfriend?" "You want to help me have a baby?" Luckily I can just say -- check my profile, I have a partner.

[Yesplease]

Yeah I realised that sorry I should've put the @Color after your part.

[thoughtless]

Reading this article further strengthens my opinion on female approaching as a rocket science, it seems so complex with so many chances to fail, no wonder I'm forever alone:)
Aside from jokes, I agree with the previous comment that the ballroom is perhaps the best place to meet a girl with a perfect excuse to initiate an IM session.
Speaking of woman approaches, they can also be awkward indeed. One of the most brilliant pick-up lines I've heard from a girl is her telling me how big my feet are (never really paid attention size of my shoes) and joking about the relevance of the feet size to the cock shortness.

[Iris Ophelia]

@Yesplease The next time you have a good idea (like "You should cover the other side of this too!", because hey, good idea!) maybe don't bury it under six feet of insults and condescension. It will make it way more likely that the person you're talking to will actually take your advice.

[Amanda Dallin]

@yesplease
Better yet, instead of asking Iris to write on something which I don't believe she has a lot of experience, why don't you write an article and send it to NWN. They have published guest columns and you seem to have an opinion on the subject. I would suggest being polite and not insult anyone.