For the Trans Community of Second Life, the Virtual World is a Chance to Discover Their Real Life Selves (Guest Post)

The author at Second Life's transgender memorial

Excerpted and revised from Cajsa Lilliehook's extended feature originally published in Eclipse Magazine

In Second Life, there is a memorial honoring transgender people who have lost their lives to violence or suicide. For many, the virtual world offers a respite where people can be who they are without the risks they may face in their first life. It also offers people who are questioning a safe place to explore their identity. They can discover themselves. 

I recently interviewed several people to gain a fuller understanding of the way trans residents find community and strength in Second Life. Their experiences are varied and SL has served as a refuge, a revelation, or a catalyst. While they do not represent the full spectrum of the trans experience, they offer insight into a group of people who find succor and even joy in Second Life.  At the same time, they also find suspicion and bigotry from SLers outside their community -- in particular, from a Second Life-based gossip site, and among those who confuse catfishing with a deeper identity.

Meet Virtual Trans Pioneers James, Nep, Kayla, Tiffany, Ishtar 

Second Life was critical in helping James, a trans man, transition; his fondest Second Life memory is coming out and the acceptance he was met with there. “I lived in a very rural and honestly unsafe place and SL drastically helped me feel like I wasn’t alone,” as he put it. 

Nep Faulkes (above) is a trans woman who has known her entire life that she was a woman trapped in the wrong body. “I got reacquainted with an old friend who had already transitioned around the same age I was at the time. She gave me a lot of advice and help along with several trans friends I have met through SL.”

Kayla (above) is a trans woman who tried to transition nearly twenty years ago, but faced such transphobia she went back in the closet, only expressing her authentic self online. "When I found Second Life,” she told me, “Not only could I be expressive of my gender, but also my real personality and visual styling. "

“I’ve known I was ‘different’ since about the age of 5,” says Tiffany Parkin (right), a woman on her second year in transition.  “It wasn’t until my teen years that I began to understand ‘how’ I was different than my peers, but growing up in a conservative rural community and hearing how people like me were ‘freaks and deviants’.” Second Life became an important refuge for her. 

Ishtar Angel is a male-to-female transgender person who presents as nonbinary in her first life.  “It was Second Life that actually helped me realize I was trans,” she said. “I may be stalled in my transition, but I would not give up knowing who I am and how I feel now to when I didn’t know.”

How Gossip Site Posts Stir Virtual Transphobia

For trans SL residents, their most authentic reality is their true gender, not the biological sex they often feel trapped in. When their Second Life avatar is a woman, it is because they are a woman at the most essential level. When their avatar is a man, it is because they are essentially a man. They do not feel like a man, they are a man. It is not catfishing; it is not deception.

This distinction is often lost on readers of Virtual Secrets, a popular but divisive site where Second Life users share anonymous gossip about each other. Nearly every week, someone submits a transphobic Secret denouncing this, that, or another SL resident as secretly of the opposite sex than their avatar. It’s as if there’s an active campaign to force Second Life’s trans community back into the closet. 

James has a question for them: “How would playing as who you feel is right, be catfishing?”

Soanos, a trans woman who never felt comfortable in her male body, and has suffered from low self-esteem and depressive personality disorder, explained:

“We do not have similar motives to people who go about ‘catfishing'. Transgender people have chosen their avatars to match their gender identity and explore it, not to deceive other players. I personally tell people that I am a trans-woman if it turns out they want to know me better. After that it is up to them what they do. 

“I just wish I didn't have to,” she added “I feel like I have to apologize for existing and ‘wasting their time’.”

Tiffany agreed: “My interactions with anyone in SL, whether a romantic interest or friend, are much more genuine and real than how I interact with most people in real life. Because everyone in SL knows me as Tiffany...not the person I was born as.”

A Virtual World for Exploring Real Identity - And Resources for Going Deeper

At SL's Transgender Hate Crime & Suicide Memorial

While virtual transphobia often happens in external websites, Second Life’s Terms of Service provide explicit protections against anti-LGBT harassment and intolerance. It is also structured to foster safety by allowing free, pseudonymous accounts. People can create a secure email at sites like ProtonMail and need not provide identification or credit cards. This can allow people in oppressive countries relative freedom to explore their gender and for a few hours at a time be their real selves. Of course, privacy and Internet don’t belong in the same sentence any longer, but SL does not make it easy for intrusive governments to use SL to find gender-nonconforming people. 

When it came time to come out and transition I realized that I have a role-model for the kind of person that I want to be in RL… the girl who I had been in SL for 9 years was a perfect template for how I wanted to express my personality and my gender in the world. - Kayla 

Second Life does more. The publisher, Linden Lab, promotes LGBT friendly communities in their Destination Guide. This is a corporate signal that the community is welcome and integral to Second Life, not an underground culture, but community embraced by the company. In search there are 694 places that identify themselves with trans in their keywords. There are also over 500 results for groups. (Though a few of those are unrelated to gender, such as one called the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.) This indicates a lively, vibrant trans community in Second Life. 

One of the groups is for the Transgender Resource Center which has a in-world gathering place where they have discussions on topics in the news and have call-boards telling visitors who is online at the moment to offer help. Their Facebook page is accessible whether you use Facebook or not. They also have a secure Discord group where there are always people to talk to.  

I would have to say if you’re new to SL or a vet of SL don’t stop experimenting.It is a safe environment that you can research, meet new people, and grow. If you have a RL situation where you can’t safely research transgender or non binary or any of the LGBT spectrum then to use this tool. There are no limits. -- Ishtar Angel

While Ishtar, who is a volunteer moderator of the Discord group, praises Second Life as a safe place and a place to find community, she does wish Linden Lab improved the platform’s search function, and promoted organizations like the Transgender Resource Center better: “The search tool to find groups and locations is not the best. I have been with the group for a long time and still run into new people who randomly stumbled into us.”

For James, it’s not Linden Lab the company but the people who are Second Life’s users who make the difference. “I've seen stores embrace the trans community and individuals share content through social media and that has put us in a great space currently in the world of Second Life.” 

Nep is equally happy with SL, noting that aside from a few trolls, “Second Life is the one of the most trans friendly places online.” Still, in-world harassment sometimes happens, and Soanos wishes “Linden Lab would take a more public stance against discrimination.”

Supporting SL's Trans Community

What can those of us who are not trans do to support this virtual world trans community? 

James says we should show respect and use proper pronouns. 

Nep suggests that we don’t be intentionally disrespectful and claim it’s ironic or edgy. 

Soanas asks people to remember there is a human being underneath that trans label and be thoughtful and to simply apologize for hurting someone’s feelings rather than being defensive. 

Tiffany Parkin in IRL and SL, reposted with permission from her blog, Blended Beauty

Tiffany says listen: 

“One of the greatest problems I have is when things aren’t going well or I am struggling with a fear, so many will tell me that it will all be fine, that I am so strong that it won’t be an issue or that I need to ‘get over’ the problem. Listen to us. Help us talk through concerns and fears. Don’t minimize our emotions.”

For many, coming out as trans in their first life may be an impossible dream. Until the day the world is ready to accept people as they are in all their glorious diversity, there is this virtual world -- however imperfect, a lifeline of acceptance and hope. 

Notes on language: It seems every article about people who are trans comes with a glossary of terms as though trans are some exotic fauna we must classify into the proper categories. I find this almost a form of othering. If people want more clarity, GLAAD has an excellent glossary.

Follow Cajsa on Flickr, on Twitter or on her blog. 

Comments

[MAP Community Director]

Until the so called tolerant LGBTQ community learns to embrace other discriminated communities like mine among others then i just block anyone with a trans profile inworld while even banning them from land/groups i own. after all, this so called tolerate group has no problem tossing other vulnerable groups under the bus. the day the LGBTQ accepts the wide sensitive spectrum's of the MAP Impaired identity, then I'll be more then willing to accept the 1000's of identities they identify as being as well.

[Debunker]

The article is great and the GLAAD link is a good suggestion to read as well.
The above comment instead is a good chance to debunk that anti-LGBT political propaganda and BS.
MAP (minor attracted person) is exactly what the word pedophile means.
It isn't only LGBT people who reject you. If there is anything Linden Lab is quick to ban is that.
The fallacy is simple. The problem with pedos isn't about sexual preferences, it's about abuse of minors. It's a whole different thing. It's molesting and harming defenseless people.
Harming people IS a problem.
It would be understandable if a pedo recognizes he/she has a problem and tries to avoid any harm and seeks for help. Being proudly a child rapist and meanwhile harrassing and attacking the LGTB minority too, comparing apples and ebola, is just more abusive (and delusional too).
Read this:
https://medium.com/@Phaylen/do-you-know-what-a-map-is-i-just-found-out-and-now-im-warning-friends-dfd48f0ffded

[EWW Regional Director]

Being blocked and banned by the MAP community is a bad thing?

[Blaise Glendevon]

We need some fucking moderation in these comments. Jesus.

[Wagner James Au]

Looks like the Algorithm of Moderation laser beam has been unleashed.

[Blaire W.]

I first met my husband on the Teen Grid when he was 26 with me being 14 at the time.
we have been married several years.
we consider ourselves a strait couple even if at one time I was considered a biologically a man. now a post opt surgery female.

Never been involved in lgbt organisations because one time they only wanted equal rights now they pretend to speak for all of us like gay versions of Al Sharpton/Jessie Jackson types demanding too many special rights instead of equal opportunity while discriminating against others behind a shield of indifference.

Second Life is a good place to learn about different sides of yourself if you've never explored them.

[Aliasi Stonebender]

Absolutely. The whole "hurr hurr, all the girls are really guys" is a persistent and awful form of transphobia found on SL.

(As for the "MAPs"... please, do block and ban me. Like, I insist. Do it now. I don't want to accidentally visit any of your parcels.)

[sirhc desantis]

Straight White Male 55 CIS [urgh so hate the term] thats me labelled as seems to be the norm. I lie about my age of course.

This is a lovely piece. The day that SL becomes a place where I am not scared, worried, shocked but mostly bewildered about People is the day that it is no longer my Second Life :) Its the company line? == Bonus. And thanks - the link, well still getting my head around TERF (WTF) so yay!

I am happy that people I know are or are not trans. They are People. You have my support. Or not its up to you =^^=

(nice bit ends)

Hmm to map et al - all kiddie diddlers real or fantasised should be nailed by their toes to a tree so my sisters and brothers in the 4 legged predator class can piss on them. I just asked and they said yep would be happy to.

Happy to discuss in meat or pixel space - will joyfully wipe the floor with you fucks.

[Charlieredheart]

It isnt any better I cant wear my femboy av without being called a girl or told to change saying I look under age despite I am not and spent a ton of money to make it.
Also been told that their no such thing as bi by the dark alley owner who treated me like shit one for my femboy av and then attacked my sexuality nothing changed for LGBT it's still shitty life is even on sl.

[Sammy]

Okay, my big issue is, why are we gonna accept people who literally have attractions to children? At least with the LGBT community, there won't be any people who fantasize about fucking kids. The person who originally posted this, that is absolutely gross if you are attracted to kids, and have fantasies about fucking them. I can accept a lot, but not that. Especially since I am a victim of child molestation. I am sorry, you need to be chemically castrated and need some sort of conversion therapy. Anyways, onto my main point. I came out as trans back in 2017, and have had a difficult time with being me. So I find SL is a great opportunity, to be me, without the ridicule. That and I have tonnes of support, which I am grateful for. I do hope that one day, that people can be more accepting around the world of the LGBT community, until then. I will use SL as a means to be able to be myself. Although, now that I say that. Lately, I have not really cared what others think of me. Like I am currently on hormones, and well I am not scared to hide what is on my body. I don't go naked or anything, but if someone sees a little bump on my chest. I honestly don't care anymore.

[Georgia]

For Charlieredheart, you might be running into people who are concerned about keeping underage-appearing avatars out of adult regions. Sometimes that's because they're trying to comply with laws in their own country as well, so that uncompromising attitude might have other reasons of which you are not aware. It's unfortunate but it would be difficult to make a viable case that they should relax those restrictions under such circumstances. You might need to have an alternate avatar for visiting such places, as I am guessing it's the adult places that are objecting to how you look.